Search results for: santa-walks-into-a-bar

Santa Walks Into a Bar

Author : Roger Johnson
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A collection of hilarious Christmas jokes for the discerning adult. Not your average joke book; these have an edge! Santa was having a bad day. Mrs Claus was nagging. The elves were working too slowly. There were serious toy assembly issues. Rudolf was getting old and stodgy and the sleigh needed repairs. In the midst of all this a shimmering angel arrived one evening with a lovely tree. As Claus answered the door, frowning and muttering, the angel smiled and said "Merry Christmas, Santa! Here's your tree. Where do you want me to stick it?" Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental. Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit. ⢠Girl 1: Where's your Christmas party at? Girl 2: It's poor grammar to end your sentence with a preposition. Girl 1: All right then, where's your Christmas party at, bitch?

A Guy Walks Into A Bar

Author : Michael Lewis
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Did you hear the one about the bartender and the rabbi? If not, you'll find it in this delightful book along with hundreds of other jokes and funny stories about the denizens of bars, pubs, and watering holes everywhere. Featuring classic stories and wisecracks along with brand-new jokes, A Guy Walks Into a Bar will reduce you, your friends, and your family to tears of laughter. Michael Lewis has gathered a wide range of the very best and funniest bar jokes, riddles, anecdotes, and quotations in this rib-tickling (and thirst-inducing) collection. Sure to be a favorite of tipplers of all stripes and the teetotalers who drive them home, the book also includes bar bets, games, tricks, trivia, and more. Featuring classic "bartoons" at the opening of each chapter, A Guy Walks Into a Bar is the perfect party takealong or barside companion, deserving pride of place next to your cocktail shaker and jar of olives.

Man Walks Into A Bar

Author : Mike Haskins
File Size : 83.63 MB
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Man Walks Into A Bar is a one-stop shop for anyone who likes to hear and tell jokes. The jokes are ordered thematically - wives, husbands, doctors, lawyers, the French, the Germans, jokes about nuns, jokes about monkeys, the lot. There are also regular panels which group jokes by type too - Essex girls, changing a lightbulb etc. Our material will turn you into the toast of your local pub or make you loathed in your own home - remember, it is all in the telling. From the sublimely erudite to stuff Frank Carson would turn down (the book has a 'world's worst jokes' section), this book can service you with every joke you'll ever need. What do you call an eskimo chav? Innuinnit What did the zen student say at the hamburger stand? Make me one with everything What's Irish and lives in the garden? Paddy O'Furniture

Blonde Walks into a Bar

Author : Jonathan Swan
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A Simon & Schuster eBook. Simon & Schuster has a great book for every reader.

Man Walks Into A Bar 2

Author : Jonathan Swan
File Size : 30.70 MB
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Man Walks Into A Bar 2 is the second volume of the hugely popular and hilariously funny joke book series. A one-stop shop for anyone who likes to hear and tell jokes. The jokes are ordered thematically - wives, husbands, doctors, lawyers, the French, the Germans, jokes about nuns, jokes about monkeys, the lot. There are also regular panels which group jokes by type too - Essex girls, changing a lightbulb etc. Our material will turn you into the toast of your local pub or make you loathed in your own home - remember, it is all in the telling. From the sublimely erudite to stuff Frank Carson would turn down, this book can service you with every joke you'll ever need. Including such gems as the following: Why have elephants got big ears? Because Noddy won't pay the ransom. A magic tractor is driving down a country road and turns into a field. An amnesiac walks into a bar. 'Do I come here often?' I went to a book shop and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. How do you know when you're a pirate? You just arrrrrggghh.

A Conservative Walks Into a Bar

Author : A. Dagnes
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This book examines why there are so few conservative political satirists today and explores the consequences of this imbalance.

So These Two Dead Guys Walked Into A Bar

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Illustrated Weekly of Pakistan

Author :
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Girl Walks Into a Bar

Author : Strawberry Saroyan
File Size : 64.68 MB
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A memoir of the sometimes difficult road from girlhood to womanhood describes the author's coming of age amid the skyscrapers of New York and the haven of a low-rent L.A. bar, capturing the complex life of the twenty-first century.

The Stone Boudoir

Author : Theresa Maggio
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“Maggio’s tales of Sicily’s hidden villages reveal her own deep love and gentle understanding of her ancestors’ homeland” (The Boston Globe). In this sparkling book, Theresa Maggio takes us on a journey in search of Sicily’s most remote and least explored mountain towns. Using her grandparents’ ancestral village of Santa Margherita Belice as her base camp, she pores over old maps to plot her adventure, selecting as her targets the smallest dots with the most appealing names. Whether she’s writing about the unique pleasures of Sicilian street food, the damage wrought by molten lava, the ancient traditions of Sicilian bagpipers, or the religious processions that consume entire villages for days on end, Maggio succeeds in transporting readers to a wholly unfamiliar world, where almonds flower in February and the water tastes of stone. A beautifully wrought meditation on time and place, The Stone Boudoir will be cherished by all who love fine travel writing. “A luminous portrait of a time and a place, interspersed with a wonderful cast of characters.” —Chicago Tribune “Maggio is a compelling writer who can render even the simplest moments into sheer poetry. . . . The Stone Boudoir is delightful.” —Los Angeles Times “This memoir offers an austerely voluptuous pleasure for anyone seeking the heart of Sicily.” —Booklist, starred review “A compelling meditation on Sicilian culture.” —Kirkus Reviews “Curious, lighthearted, and enthusiastic.” —Publishers Weekly

LONG JOKES AND PARABLE S

Author : CLEM KADIDDLE-HOPPER
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I was born into a large family of six many years ago at a very young age when butter (If you could afford it) was wrapped in paper, margarine didn't exist, groceries came from the shop in bulk, wrapped by the shopkeeper in brown paper, butchers paper or tissue paper which were later cut into squares and placed on a nail in the outside dunny. Plastic supermarket bags were unheard of; in fact, supermarkets were unheard of. I can remember the sides of bacon hanging from a hook on the ceiling and the shopkeeper used a long stick with a hook on the end to get them down to cut the bacon off in a slicing machine. Clem was born before television, faxes, polio shots, penicillin, frozen foods, photocopiers, plastic, contact lenses, fibre optic cable and the pill. Before credit cards, split atoms, Radar, laser beams and ball point pens. Before dishwashers, pantyhose, clothes dryers, micro-wave ovens, electric blankets, air conditioners, play stations, Nintendo, x-boxes, no video at all and definitely no 100 channels on cable TV....and before man walked on the moon. We got married first and then we lived together. We made do with what we had and we were the last generation who were naive enough to think you needed a wife to have a baby. How quaint can you be? In our time, closets were for clothes, not coming out of. Bunnies were small rabbits, not big girls And lemons were pieces of fruit not dud cars. Designer Jeans were scheming girls named Jean and having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Fast food was what you ate during Lent. And outer space was the back of the outdoor dunny. Before Day-care Centres, group therapy and suntan parlours. Well before we heard of FM radio, Tape decks, VCR's, electronic typewriters, Heart transplants, word processors, personal computers, mobile phones, yoghurt and guys wearing earrings. Time-sharing meant togetherness. We always had plenty of friends. We went out side and found them. We played cricket, football, chases and some time it really hurt. We fell out of trees, fell over, got cut, broke bones, chipped teeth and best of all there were no lawsuits from any of our accidents simply because it was our own stupid fault and nobody was to blame but us. A chip was a piece of wood. Hardware meant hammers and nails and software wasn't even a word. Grass was mown, coke was a cold drink and pot was something you cooked in. Rock music was a grandma's lullaby and aids were helpers in the headmaster’s office. Way back in those early days we were lucky to survive. Our baby cribs were covered in brightly coloured in lead based paint. There were no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinet’s and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets to wear, not to mention the risks we took when hitchhiking. When we were children, we rode in cars without seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of an old Ute on a warm day was always a special treat. In those days, we drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. We ate cakes, bread and butter and drank cordial with sugar in it, but we were very seldom over weight because we were always outside running around and playing. We shared cordial with all our friends from the same bottle and nobody actually died from this. We would spend hours and hours making Billy carts out of any old scraps we managed to find around the place then race down the hill, only to find that we did not have any brakes to stop. After running into the scrub a few times we managed to over-come that problem. We would leave home in the early hours of the morning and play all day as long as we were home when the streetlights came on. No body really knew where we were all day. There were no such things as electronic calculators that fitted inside your pocket; they did addition on their fingers. To subtract, they had some of their fingers amputated. Wouldn’t be nice to be back there again? My family was so poor my mothe

Lorelei s Secret

Author : Carolyn Parkhurst
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'Here is what we know, those of us who can speak to tell a story: On the afternoon of October 21st, my wife, Lexy Ransome, climbed to the top of the apple tree in our back yard and fell to her death. There were no witnesses, save our dog Lorelei . . .' So begins this remarkable, unputdownable debut about a man faced with the sudden and inexplicable loss of the love of his life. Convinced that Lexy's death was not an accident, and driven by a desire to discover what really happened that October afternoon, Paul decides to embark on the only course of action he can possibly imagine. What follows is a luminous account of an extraordinary, magical love affair, and its aftermath. This is the story of a passionate woman and her irrepressible dreams; of a man who does not know how to begin to live without her; of an animal's loyalty and devotion, and of the desperate search for answers that leads them all to places they never expected to go.

Two Weddings and a Baby

Author : Scarlett Bailey
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From reluctant bridesmaid, to accidental mother... Tamsyn Thorne has not been back to her home town of Poldore for five long years. But now her brother, Ruan, is about to get married and she has no excuses left. Her plans to arrive in Cornwall looking chic and successful are dashed when a huge storm turns her from fashion goddess to a drowned rat. Worse, she ends up insulting the local hunky vicar – and then finds a tiny baby abandoned in his churchyard...

Tasteful Nudes

Author : Dave Hill
File Size : 56.1 MB
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"I run into Dave Hill all the time at the coffee shop in our neighborhood. He's always unshaven and badly hungover, with some 16-year-old groupie from Cleveland in tow—and he's just as funny then as he is in Tasteful Nudes. He is my idol." —Malcolm Gladwell "Dave Hill speaks, rocks, and now writes with a voice so powerful and funny and compelling that I'm pretty sure he's channeling some weird god from another dimension. Basically, this dude is a comedic Cthulhu, and when you read this book, you will either go COMPLETELY MAD or BECOME A SLAVE TO HIS MAD GENIUS. Pray for the latter." —John Hodgman "This book should affirm Dave Hill's rightful place as a major American humor writer. You will laugh. Buy two and brighten a friend's life as well." —Dick Cavett From the Book Jacket: Dear ridiculously attractive person who just so happens to be holding Tasteful Nudes in his or her soft and supple yet commanding hands, Hi. My name is Dave, and this is my very first collection of essays. As you can probably imagine, it pretty much has everything. In fact, if you like stories about stolen meat, animal attacks, young love, death, naked people, clergymen, rock 'n' roll, irritable Canadians, and prison, you have just hit a street called Easy because my book talks about all that stuff and a bunch of other stuff, too. Getting back to that prison thing for a second—I can think of almost no better place to read my book than from within the confines of a correctional facility. For starters, you will definitely have the time. Also, cozying up with a good book in front of your fellow inmates is a great way to show them a softer side that for some reason no one ever wants to hear about in the yard. Fear not, though, non-convicts, my book makes for a solid read outside of prison, too. At the beach, on the subway, while whitewater rafting, during couples counseling, under local anesthesia—I have personally seen to it that my book is totally readable in all these scenarios, as well as in most other scenarios out there today. It will make you laugh, cry, and maybe even think so much that you will forget all your problems while simultaneously creating a few new ones. In limited instances it has been known to cause severe dehydration and the occasional groin pull, but honestly I don't know what that's about. That said, it's probably not a bad idea to keep a glass of water handy and really stretch things out before strapping yourself in for a literary thrill ride you will want to experience again and again until you are either dead or your eyesight fails completely, whichever comes first. In fact, if I end up being wrong about any of this stuff, you can kick me right in the privates. Also, I will send you a nice ham (serves twenty). In short, you really can't lose on this one. Your man, Dave Hill

Christmas Crackers

Author : Matt Wilce
File Size : 27.85 MB
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The Christmas Encyclopedia

Author : William D. Crump
File Size : 87.79 MB
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"The second edition of this comprehensive reference work adds 120 new entries, bringing the total number of Christmas-related topics to more than 480. Subjects include carols and songs, Christmas episodes of TV series, literary figures, and popular symbol

Santa Teresa

Author : William Thomas Whitlock
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Clueless in L A

Author : D.J. Martin
File Size : 58.90 MB
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My name is Matt Diamond, not that that really matters. I spent a little over ten years in the LA Police Department before I woke up one morning and asked myself, What the hell am I doing? This is a dirty business and when I worked in drugs and alcohol before moving over to homicide, it became clear that no one really cared a shit about what I was doing. Now, if they didnt care, why should I give a damn either? The pay was minimum wage, there was little time to myself, and sleep came less and less every day. The day I turned in my badge was much more exciting than when I put it on that first day. When we threw our hats in the air at the Academy, I felt like I could make a difference. Wrong again! When you join the police department you have the feeling you can make a difference, but the day you resign you know you didnt make a dent in this sorry, no thanks, society. You often wondered whom you were trying to protect and found out it was you. Thats old news. This was a new beginning for me: I received my license as a freelance private detective completely on my own. Nobody to tell me where to go every morning at briefing. No shooting in east LA for me to investigate for the 100th time. If you are ever in that area, it is a real war zone but you dont know who you are supposed to be fighting. Killing each other, the blacks against the Mexicans, the police trying to bring order where no one really wanted it. Believe me, it is no place for some guy like me who, I felt, was dedicated to preventing such things. You couldnt get a witness to point out a shooter for fear they might be the next victim. Tell me one person who really cared what went on in that hell hole, and I will show you a liar. The name on my fleabag so-called office now read Matt Diamond, Private Investigator. Not only was this my office, it was also where I lived. There was a pull-down bed that I never really put back in the wall, a small refrigerator in one corner, a really nice hot plate and a small bath with shower and toilet. But it was mine, and the rent was paid for a year due to the vacation money I received when leaving the LAPD.

TV Guide

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Adweek

Author :
File Size : 54.16 MB
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