Search results for: a-year-in-the-merde

A Year In The Merde

Author : Stephen Clarke
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What are the French really like? Paul West, a young Englishman arriving in Paris to start a new job, is about to find out. _________________ They do eat a lot of cheese, some of which smells like pigs’ droppings. They don’t wash their armpits with garlic soap. Going on strike really is the second national participation sport after petanque. And, yes, they do use suppositories. Less quaint than A Year in Provence, less chocolatey than Chocolat, A Year in the Merde will tell you how to get served by the grumpiest Parisian waiter; how to make perfect vinaigrette every time; how to make amour - not war; and how not to buy a house in the French countryside.

A Year in the Merde

Author : Stephen Clarke
File Size : 41.42 MB
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Published privately by the author in English in Paris, A YEAR IN THE MERDE became an immediate local bestseller. Instant word-of-mouth spread like wildfire to England where booksellers began clamouring for it. Now Stephen Clarke's delightful first novel will be rush-published officially in the UK to meet the ever-growing demand of fans. In A YEAR IN THE MERDE Stephen Clarke describes the French as they really are. They're not cheese-eating surrender monkeys, but they do eat a lot of cheese, some of which smells like pigs' droppings. In general, they do not wash their armpits with garlic soap. They are still in shock at being stupid enough to sell Louisiana and thereby losing the chance to make French the global language. Going on strike really is the second national participation sport after petanque. And they really do use suppositories.Paul West, a young Englishman, arrives to set up some English tea-rooms in Paris and gives a laugh-out-loud account of the pleasures and perils of being a Brit in France. Less quaint than A Year in Provence, less chocolatey than Chocolat, this book will tell you how to get the best of the grumpiest Parisian waiter, how to survive French meetings,

The Merde Factor

Author : Stephen Clarke
File Size : 22.83 MB
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Englishman Paul West is living the Parisian dream, and doing his best not to annoy the French. But recently things have been going a little wrong: His apartment is so small that he has to cut his baguettes in two to fit them in the kitchen. His research into authentic French cuisine is about to cause a national strike - and his French ex-girlfriend seems to be stalking him.

A Year in High Heels

Author : Camilla Morton
File Size : 52.44 MB
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If your resolutions tend to look much the same from one year to another and you are suffering from the suspicion that someone, somewhere is having more fun that you, then you need something to revitalise your lust for life. A YEAR IN HIGH HEELS is here to help. This book will guide you through the months with a perfectly co-ordinated combination of culture and challenges. With a monthly muse to inspire, and a suggested title for that soon-to-be-formed book club, dumbing down is so last season. Erin O'Connor, Diane von Furstenberg, Matthew Williamson and others share their secrets about their favourite places - so the next time you check in you'll know what to check out - while Dita von Teese, Anya Hindmarch and Christian Lacroix show you how to undress, how to go green and how to appreciate opera. Eclectic, practical and fantastical, A YEAR IN HIGH HEELS is crammed with fascinating stories, inspiring ideas and surprisingly sensible advice. Forget who, when, why and what to wear. Get ready to wow!

A Year in the Merde

Author : Paul West
File Size : 78.61 MB
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A Brief History of the Future

Author : Stephen Clarke
File Size : 88.38 MB
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What if teleportation was really possible? Englishman Richie Fisher is about to find out ... Richie and his wife Clara have won a weekend in New York in a newspaper competition. While Clara is off blowing their spending money, Richie wanders aimlessly, chewing on a veggie-burger, ending up in a gift-shop where he finds himself standing in front of an instant transporter machine. It looks nothing like the open-plan teleporter on Captain Kirk's Starship Enterprise; in fact, it seems more like a glorified microwave oven. Richie places his burger inside, hits the return key on the linked-up computer - and the burger disappears. But if he can teleport a half-eaten veggie-burger, what else could you do with the machine? For criminals, the possibilities are endless. Who could catch you if you beamed drugs into nostrils a hundred miles away? And how much would illegal immigrants pay to be teleported into the rich host country of their choice? Richie buys a teleporter and takes it back to England, where the chaos begins ...

1000 Years of Annoying the French

Author : Stephen Clarke
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Was the Battle of Hastings a French victory? Non! William the Conqueror was Norman and hated the French. Were the Brits really responsible for the death of Joan of Arc? Non! The French sentenced her to death for wearing trousers. Was the guillotine a French invention? Non! It was invented in Yorkshire. Ten centuries' worth of French historical 'facts' bite the dust as Stephen Clarke looks at what has really been going on since 1066 ... From the Norman (not French) Conquest, to XXX, it is a light-hearted - but impeccably researched - account of all out great-fallings out. In short, the French are quite right to suspect that the last 1,000 years have been one long British campaign to infuriate them. And it's not over yet...

Merde Actually

Author : Stephen Clarke
File Size : 54.2 MB
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A year after arriving in France, Englishman Paul West is still struggling with some fundamental questions: _________________ What is the best way to scare a gendarme? Why are there no health warnings on French nudist beaches? And is it really polite to sleep with your boss's mistress? In his second comedy of errors, Paul West opens an English tearoom, and mutates (temporarily) into a Parisian waiter. Meanwhile, he continues his search for the perfect French mademoiselle. But will Paul find l'amour éternel, or will it all end in merde? Author's apology: 'I'd just like to say sorry to all the suppository fans out there, because in this book there are no suppositories. There are, however, lots of courgettes, and I see this as progress. Suppositories to courgettes - I think it proves that I'm developing as a writer.' Stephen Clarke

Talk to the Snail

Author : Stephen Clarke
File Size : 41.52 MB
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Have you been taken to what you've been assured is the perfect house deep in the French countryside, only to find there's no electricity or running water? Gone to the doctor with a nasty cough, and been diagnosed with a rather more personal complaint? Walked into an half-empty restaurant, only to be told that it's complet? If the answer to any of the above is oui, Talk to the Snail is the book for you.Find out how to get served in a restaurant; the best way to deal with French hypochondria; learn the language of love, sex and suppositories (not necessarily in that order); it's all here in this funny, informative, seriously useful guide on how to get what you really want from the French. With advice on essential phrases and bons mots to cover all eventualities, and illustrated with witty real-life anecdotes, Talk to the Snail is a book that no self-respecting Francophile - or Francophobe - can afford to be without. Don't go to France without reading this book. And don't even think of buying a house there.

Merde Happens

Author : Stephen Clarke
File Size : 73.38 MB
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Q: What happens when an Englishman, an American, and a French woman drive across America in a Mini? A: Merde Happens ... Paul West is in deep financial merde. His only way out of debt is to accept a decidedly dodgy job that involves him touring America in a Mini, while pretending to be typically British. Also in the car is Paul's French girlfriend, Alexa, and his American poet friend, Jake, whose main aim in life is to sleep with a woman from every country in the world. Preferably in the back of Paul's Mini. But as the little car battles from New York to Miami, and then heads west, leg-room turns out to be the least of Paul's troubles. His work is being sabotaged, his tour plans are in tatters, and his love life becomes a Franco-American war zone. And as Paul knows better than anyone, when you mix love and war - merde happens ...