What the Hell Did I Just Read

A Novel of Cosmic Horror

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Author: David Wong

Publisher: St. Martin's Press

ISBN: 1466835443

Category: Fiction

Page: 384

View: 2065

It's the story "They" don't want you to read. Though, to be fair, "They" are probably right about this one. To quote the Bible, "Learning the truth can be like loosening a necktie, only to realize it was the only thing keeping your head attached." No, don't put the book back on the shelf -- it is now your duty to purchase it to prevent others from reading it. Yes, it works with e-books, too, I don't have time to explain how. While investigating a fairly straightforward case of a shape-shifting interdimensional child predator, Dave, John and Amy realized there might actually be something weird going on. Together, they navigate a diabolically convoluted maze of illusions, lies, and their own incompetence in an attempt to uncover a terrible truth they -- like you -- would be better off not knowing. Your first impulse will be to think that a story this gruesome -- and, to be frank, stupid -- cannot possibly be true. That is precisely the reaction "They" are hoping for. John Dies at the End's "smart take on fear manages to tap into readers' existential dread on one page, then have them laughing the next" (Publishers Weekly) and This Book is Full of Spiders was "unlike any other book of the genre" (Washington Post). Now, New York Times bestselling author David Wong is back with What the Hell Did I Just Read, the third installment of this black-humored thriller series.

John Dies at the End

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Author: David Wong

Publisher: Macmillan

ISBN: 031255513X

Category: Fiction

Page: 375

View: 2361

A full-length tale based on the cult online serial by the editor-in-chief of Cracked.com finds an increasing number of people changed into threatening inhuman creatures by a hallucinogen, a situation that places the fate of the world in the hands of a pair of anti-heroes. 50,000 first printing.

This Book Is Full of Spiders

Seriously, Dude, Don't Touch It

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Author: David Wong

Publisher: Macmillan

ISBN: 1250017904

Category: Fiction

Page: 416

View: 1592

From the writer of the cult sensation John Dies at the End comes another terrifying and hilarious tale of almost Armageddon at the hands of two hopeless heroes. WARNING: You may have a huge, invisible spider living in your skull. THIS IS NOT A METAPHOR. You will dismiss this as ridiculous fear-mongering. Dismissing things as ridiculous fear-mongering is, in fact, the first symptom of parasitic spider infection -- the creature secretes a chemical into the brain to stimulate skepticism, in order to prevent you from seeking a cure. That's just as well, since the "cure" involves learning what a chainsaw tastes like. You can't feel the spider, because it controls your nerve endings. You can't see it, because it decides what you see. You won't even feel it when it breeds. And it will breed. So what happens when your family, friends and neighbors get mind-controlling skull spiders? We're all about to find out. Just stay calm, and remember that telling you about the spider situation is not the same as having caused it. I'm just the messenger. Even if I did sort of cause it. Either way, I won't hold it against you if you're upset. I know that's just the spider talking.

Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes

A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology

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Author: Cory O'Brien

Publisher: Penguin

ISBN: 1101619678

Category: Humor

Page: 304

View: 1025

Get this: Cronus liked to eat babies. Narcissus probably should have just learned to masturbate. Odin got construction discounts with bestiality. Isis had bad taste in jewelry. Ganesh was the very definition of an unplanned pregnancy. And Abraham was totally cool about stabbing his kid in the face. All our lives, we’ve been fed watered-down, PC versions of the classic myths. In reality, mythology is more screwed up than a schizophrenic shaman doing hits of unidentified…wait, it all makes sense now. In Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes, Cory O’Brien, creator of Myths RETOLD!, sets the stories straight. These are rude, crude, totally sacred texts told the way they were meant to be told: loudly, and with lots of four-letter words. Skeptical? Here are a few more gems to consider: • Zeus once stuffed an unborn fetus inside his thigh to save its life after he exploded its mother by being too good in bed. • The entire Egyptian universe was saved because Sekhmet just got too hammered to keep murdering everyone. • The Hindu universe is run by a married couple who only stop murdering in order to throw sweet dance parties…on the corpses of their enemies. • The Norse goddess Freyja once consented to a four-dwarf gangbang in exchange for one shiny necklace. And there’s more dysfunctional goodness where that came from.

Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suits

A Novel

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Author: David Wong

Publisher: Macmillan

ISBN: 1250040191

Category: Fiction

Page: 384

View: 7467

New York Times bestselling author David Wong takes readers to a whole new level with his latest darkly comic sci-fi thriller.

Alabaster: Pale Horse

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Author: Caitlin R. Kiernan

Publisher: Dark Horse Comics

ISBN: 1621158888

Category: Comics & Graphic Novels

Page: 248

View: 1188

An albino girl wanders the sun-scorched back roads of a south Georgia summer, following the bidding of an angel or perhaps only voices in her head, searching out and slaying ancient monsters who have hidden themselves away in the lonely places of the world. * Caitlín R. Kiernan is an International Horror Guild Award–winning author! * A complete collection of the Alabaster prose short stories. "Caitlín R. Kiernan is the poet and the bard of the wasted and the lost."—Neil Gaiman

Dexter's Final Cut

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Author: Jeffry P. Lindsay

Publisher: Vintage Crime/Black Lizard

ISBN: 0345802586

Category: Fiction

Page: 352

View: 1726

Forensic analyst and nighttime vigilante Dexter Morgan discovers that he is being followed by a killer who is copying his methods, an adversary whom Dexter seeks to outmaneuver using his trademark knack for extricating himself from trouble.

How the Hell Did I Get Here?

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Author: Pamela Lynch

Publisher: N.A

ISBN: 9780648222217

Category:

Page: 228

View: 1967

In How The Hell Did I Get Here? Pamela Lynch takes us on both her physical, outward journey through the Himalayas and her inner journey over the last 25 years that now sees her, at 64, as a firm advocate for seeing, doing and experiencing life, as much and as often as we can.

I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell

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Author: Tucker Max

Publisher: Citadel

ISBN: 0806535938

Category: Humor

Page: 288

View: 6672

My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole. I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead. But, I do contribute to humanity in one very important way: I share my adventures with the world. --from the Introduction Actual reader feedback: "I am completely baffled as to how you can congratulate yourself for being a womanizer and a raging drunk, or think anyone cares about an idiot like you. Do you really think that exploiting the insecurities of others while getting wasted is a legitimate thing to offer?" "Thank you, thank you, thank you--for sharing with us your wonderful tales of drunken revelry, for teaching me what it means to be a man, for just existing so I know that there is another option; I too can say 'screw the system' and be myself and have fun. My life truly began when I finished reading your stories. Now, when faced with a quandary about what course of action I should take, I just ask myself, 'What Would Tucker Do?'--and I do it, and I am a better man for it." "I find it truly appalling that there are people in the world like you. You are a disgusting, vile, repulsive, repugnant, foul creature. Because of you, I don't believe in God anymore. No just God would allow someone like you to exist." "I'll stay with God as my lord, but you are my savior. I just finished reading your brilliant stories, and I laughed so hard I almost vomited. I want to bring that kind of joy to people. You're an artist of the highest order and a true humanitarian to boot. I'm in both shock and awe at how much I want to be you." "You are the coolest person I can even imagine existing. If you slept with my girlfriend, it'd make me love her more."

Intentional Dissonance

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Author: Iain S. Thomas

Publisher: Central Avenue Publishing

ISBN: 1926760859

Category: Fiction

Page: 172

View: 9642

It’s been 10 years since the world officially ended. In the last city on Earth, Jon Salt is addicted to Sadness, a drug that invokes its name, and obsessed with his lover, Michelle; both of which threaten to drive him insane. Strange creatures and new technologies appeared in the last days of humanity and the widespread adoption of teleportation technology sundered the fabric of time and space, leaving a smattering of looping ghosts. It is a sad, monotone world, but the remaining populace is happy, thanks to the anti-depressants in the water supply.The last government on Earth has taken a special interest in a gift that Jon possesses: the ability to make his thoughts real. Jon must rely on that gift and the help of a few unlikely friends to stay one step ahead of those who desperately want to use him for something far more sinister than even he could dream...

The Secret History

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Author: Donna Tartt

Publisher: Vintage

ISBN: 0307765695

Category: Fiction

Page: 544

View: 3774

Donna Tartt, winner of the 2014 Pulitzer Prize for her most recent novel, The Goldfinch, established herself as a major talent with The Secret History, which has become a contemporary classic. Under the influence of their charismatic classics professor, a group of clever, eccentric misfits at an elite New England college discover a way of thinking and living that is a world away from the humdrum existence of their contemporaries. But when they go beyond the boundaries of normal morality their lives are changed profoundly and forever, and they discover how hard it can be to truly live and how easy it is to kill. From the Trade Paperback edition.

Love Her Wild

Poems

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Author: Atticus

Publisher: Simon and Schuster

ISBN: 1501176684

Category: Poetry

Page: 240

View: 4136

The first collection of poetry by Instagram sensation Atticus. Love Her Wild is a collection of new and beloved poems from the poet Atticus, who has captured the hearts and minds of hundreds of thousands of avid followers on his Instagram account @atticuspoetry, including superstars like Karlie Kloss and Shay Mitchell. Dubbed the “#1 poet to follow” by Teen Vogue and “the world’s most tattoo-able” poet by Galore magazine, in Love Her Wild, Atticus captures what is both raw and relatable about the smallest and the grandest moments in life: the first glimpse of a new love in Paris, skinny dipping on a summer’s night, the irrepressible exuberance of the female spirit, or drinking whiskey in the desert watching the rising sun. With honesty, poignancy, and romantic flare Atticus distills the most exhilarating highs and the heartbreaking lows of life and love into a few short lines, ensuring that his words will become etched in your mind—and will awaken your sense of adventure.

The Unnoticeables

A Novel

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Author: Robert Brockway

Publisher: Tor Books

ISBN: 1466869305

Category: Fiction

Page: 288

View: 9018

From Robert Brockway, Sr. Editor and Columnist of Cracked.com comes The Unnoticeables, a funny and frightening urban fantasy. There are angels, and they are not beneficent or loving. But they do watch over us. They watch our lives unfold, analyzing us for repeating patterns and redundancies. When they find them, the angels simplify those patterns and remove the redundancies, and the problem that is "you" gets solved. Carey doesn't much like that idea. As a punk living in New York City, 1977, Carey is sick and tired of watching strange kids with unnoticeable faces abduct his friends. He doesn't care about the rumors of tar-monsters in the sewers or unkillable psychopaths invading the punk scene—all he wants is to drink cheap beer and dispense ass-kickings. Kaitlyn isn't sure what she's doing with her life. She came to Hollywood in 2013 to be a stunt woman, but last night a former teen heartthrob tried to eat her, her best friend has just gone missing, and there's an angel outside her apartment. Whatever she plans on doing with her life, it should probably happen in the few remaining minutes she has left. There are angels. There are demons. They are the same thing. It's up to Carey and Kaitlyn to stop them. The survival of the human race is in their hands. We are, all of us, well and truly screwed. At the Publisher's request, this title is being sold without Digital Rights Management Software (DRM) applied.

What Did I Do Last Night?

A Drunkard's Tale

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Author: Tom Sykes

Publisher: Rodale Books

ISBN: 1609616901

Category: Biography & Autobiography

Page: 224

View: 3756

When Tom Sykes landed his dream job as the New York Post's bar columnist and nightlife reporter, he turned his long-standing drinking problem into a vocation. His memoir is a funny, thrilling, and ruthlessly honest exhumation of his drinking life and a candid account of his first 90 days without alcohol. Tom traces his alcoholism back to his British boyhood at Eton College, England's oldest and most exclusive boarding school, where the boys had to wear tail suits to class and there was a school pub. He delves into his aristocratic family's well-documented fondness for the bottle and covers his own drinking apprenticeship as a trainee journalist on London's famously alcohol-sodden newspapers. Whether he is getting arrested for drunk driving at the age of 15, climbing naked into his friends' and colleagues' beds, or simply trying to file an emergency front-page update while reeling from a cocktail of Ecstacy and magic mushrooms, Tom takes the reader on an addictive journey into the insanity of intoxication—all too often followed by a mossy tongue, a dull headache, and one burning question: "What the hell did I do last night?"

Mogworld

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Author: Yahtzee Croshaw

Publisher: Dark Horse Comics

ISBN: 1506706428

Category: Fiction

Page: 416

View: 1907

In a world full to bursting with would-be heroes, Jim couldn't be less interested in saving the day. His fireballs fizzle. He's awfully grumpy. Plus, he's been dead for about sixty years. When a renegade necromancer wrenches him from eternal slumber and into a world gone terribly, bizarrely wrong, all Jim wants is to find a way to die properly, once and for all. On his side, he's got a few shambling corpses, an inept thief, and a powerful death wish. But he's up against tough odds: angry mobs of adventurers, a body falling apart at the seams — and a team of programmers racing a deadline to hammer out the last few bugs in their AI. *Mogworld is the debut novel from video-game icon Yahtzee Croshaw (Zero Punctuation)! With an exclusive one-chapter preview of Yahtzee Croshaw's next novel, Jam—coming to bookstores in October 2012! *Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw's video review site, Zero Punctuation, receives over 2,500,000 unique hits a month, and has been licensed by G4 Television. *Yahtzee's blog receives about 150,000 hits per day. "The first legitimate breakout hit from the gaming community in recent memory." -Boing Boing

Nemesis

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Author: Brendan Reichs

Publisher: Penguin

ISBN: 039954495X

Category: Young Adult Fiction

Page: 464

View: 7636

Orphan Black meets Lord of the Flies in this riveting new thriller from the co-author of the Virals series. It's been happening since Min was eight. Every two years, on her birthday, a strange man finds her and murders her in cold blood. But hours later, she wakes up in a clearing just outside her tiny Idaho hometown—alone, unhurt, and with all evidence of the horrifying crime erased. Across the valley, Noah just wants to be like everyone else. But he’s not. Nightmares of murder and death plague him, though he does his best to hide the signs. But when the world around him begins to spiral toward panic and destruction, Noah discovers that people have been lying to him his whole life. Everything changes in an eye blink. For the planet has a bigger problem. The Anvil, an enormous asteroid threatening all life on Earth, leaves little room for two troubled teens. Yet on her sixteenth birthday, as she cowers in her bedroom, hoping not to die for the fifth time, Min has had enough. She vows to discover what is happening in Fire Lake and uncovers a lifetime of lies: a vast conspiracy involving the sixty-four students of her sophomore class, one that may be even more sinister than the murders. From the Hardcover edition.

What the hell happened to my brain?

Living Beyond Dementia

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Author: Kate Swaffer

Publisher: Jessica Kingsley Publishers

ISBN: 1784500739

Category: Health & Fitness

Page: 340

View: 3301

Kate Swaffer was just 49 years old when she was diagnosed with a form of younger onset dementia. In this book, she offers an all-too-rare first-hand insight into that experience, sounding a clarion call for change in how we ensure a better quality of life for people with dementia. Kate describes vividly her experiences of living with dementia, exploring the effects of memory difficulties, loss of independence, leaving long-term employment, the impact on her teenage sons, and the enormous impact of the dementia diagnosis on her sense of self. Never shying away from difficult issues, she tackles head-on stigma, inadequacies in care and support, and the media's role in perpetuating myths about dementia, suggesting ways in which we can include and empower people with the diagnosis. She also reflects on the ways in which her writing and dementia advocacy work have taken her on a process of self-discovery and enabled her to develop a new and meaningful personal identity. Kate's powerful words will challenge misconceptions about dementia, and open our eyes to new ways of supporting people with the diagnosis. A must read for people with dementia and their families as well as for professionals and carers.

Go the F**k to Sleep

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Author: Adam Mansbach

Publisher: Open Road Media

ISBN: 1453224742

Category: Humor

Page: 32

View: 8839

A laugh-out-loud, adults-only bedtime story for parents familiar with the age-old struggle of putting their kids to bed “Hell no, you can’t go to the bathroom. You know where you can go? The f**k to sleep.” Go the Fuck to Sleep is a book for parents who live in the real world, where a few snoozing kitties and cutesy rhymes don’t always send a toddler sailing blissfully off to dreamland. Profane, affectionate, and radically honest, it captures the familiar—and unspoken—tribulations of putting your little angel down for the night. Read by a host of celebrities, from Samuel L. Jackson to Jennifer Garner, this subversively funny bestselling storybook will not actually put your kids to sleep, but it will leave you laughing so hard you won’t care.

Hell Week

Seven Days to Be Your Best Self

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Author: Erik Bertrand Larssen

Publisher: Simon and Schuster

ISBN: 147678339X

Category: Self-Help

Page: 224

View: 9440

From world-renowned mental trainer Erik Bertrand Larssen, whose clients include Olympic athletes and Fortune 500 CEOs, Hell Week is a military-inspired yet accessible guide to making the critical changes necessary for long-term professional and personal success and overall lifestyle improvements. Norway native Erik Bertrand Larssen is many things: a veteran paratrooper who served in Bosnia, Kosovo, Macedonia, and Afghanistan; a successful entrepreneur; and a critically acclaimed performance consultant. He has helped catapult the success of countless high-achievers, including Microsoft, Boston Consulting Group, and Statoil ASA executives and Olympic medalist Martin Johnsrud Sundby and top golfer Suzann Pettersen. His life-altering and revered method improves performance by getting people to push themselves past the brink of self-imposed limitations. Central to his technique is the commitment to live and experience just one week as your best self. It’s this week, Larssen says, that will be the catalyst to making the most of the rest of your life. Offering accessible tools and pragmatic, inspirational advice including how to incorporate exercise into your daily routine, Larssen’s game-changing Hell Week shows you how to apply his principles to everyday life, leading to lasting improvement, personal and professional success, and most importantly, a new way of living to a higher standard. Hell Week will resonate with and inspire you to be the best you can be and make everlasting positive changes in all aspects of your life.

Kink

A Tale of Extreme Horror

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Author: The Barns Brothers,Crowley Barns

Publisher: Createspace Independent Publishing Platform

ISBN: 9781548668150

Category:

Page: 176

View: 8132

CAUTION: EXTREME HORROR CONTAINED WITHIN There is bloody violence, gore and sexual content contained within this twisted story. Consider yourself warned. HOW WRONG COULD IT GO? CASSIE knew exactly what she was looking for when she trawled the world of mobile dating to find the perfect man for an afternoon of rough, kinky fantasy. She only did this once a year, and this time it was going to be extra special. But, there was just one problem... RICH thinks he's hit the jackpot when he meets a hot older woman on a dating app. She's gorgeous and doesn't want any long term commitments, just an afternoon of no-strings-attached kinky fun - what could be better? But can he be man enough to tie her up and play the role of aggressor in her dark, twisted and violent fantasy? BUT NEITHER of them knew that things would all go so terribly, darkly, disturbingly wrong. DON'T TRUST ANYONE Although this is an extreme horror book with graphic scenes of a sexual nature and violence, it is also at heart a compelling story beyond its bloody thrills. For those who like their horror visceral, but with compelling characters and a plot full of twists and turns to match the violence. Brought to you by Crowley Barns: The long-depraved but newly-published Barns Brother.