This Book Is Full of Spiders

Seriously, Dude, Don't Touch It

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Author: David Wong

Publisher: Macmillan

ISBN: 1250017904

Category: Fiction

Page: 416

View: 5598

From the writer of the cult sensation John Dies at the End comes another terrifying and hilarious tale of almost Armageddon at the hands of two hopeless heroes. WARNING: You may have a huge, invisible spider living in your skull. THIS IS NOT A METAPHOR. You will dismiss this as ridiculous fear-mongering. Dismissing things as ridiculous fear-mongering is, in fact, the first symptom of parasitic spider infection -- the creature secretes a chemical into the brain to stimulate skepticism, in order to prevent you from seeking a cure. That's just as well, since the "cure" involves learning what a chainsaw tastes like. You can't feel the spider, because it controls your nerve endings. You can't see it, because it decides what you see. You won't even feel it when it breeds. And it will breed. So what happens when your family, friends and neighbors get mind-controlling skull spiders? We're all about to find out. Just stay calm, and remember that telling you about the spider situation is not the same as having caused it. I'm just the messenger. Even if I did sort of cause it. Either way, I won't hold it against you if you're upset. I know that's just the spider talking.

John Dies at the End

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Author: David Wong

Publisher: Macmillan

ISBN: 031255513X

Category: Fiction

Page: 375

View: 1047

A full-length tale based on the cult online serial by the editor-in-chief of Cracked.com finds an increasing number of people changed into threatening inhuman creatures by a hallucinogen, a situation that places the fate of the world in the hands of a pair of anti-heroes. 50,000 first printing.

What the Hell Did I Just Read

A Novel of Cosmic Horror

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Author: David Wong

Publisher: John Dies at the End

ISBN: 1250040205

Category: Fiction

Page: 384

View: 8632

It's the story "They" don't want you to read. Though, to be fair, "They" are probably right about this one. To quote the Bible, "Learning the truth can be like loosening a necktie, only to realize it was the only thing keeping your head attached." No, don't put the book back on the shelf -- it is now your duty to purchase it to prevent others from reading it. Yes, it works with e-books, too, I don't have time to explain how. While investigating a fairly straightforward case of a shape-shifting interdimensional child predator, Dave, John and Amy realized there might actually be something weird going on. Together, they navigate a diabolically convoluted maze of illusions, lies, and their own incompetence in an attempt to uncover a terrible truth they -- like you -- would be better off not knowing. Your first impulse will be to think that a story this gruesome -- and, to be frank, stupid -- cannot possibly be true. That is precisely the reaction "They" are hoping for. John Dies at the End's "smart take on fear manages to tap into readers' existential dread on one page, then have them laughing the next" (Publishers Weekly) and This Book is Full of Spiders was "unlike any other book of the genre" (Washington Post). Now, New York Times bestselling author David Wong is back with What the Hell Did I Just Read, the third installment of this black-humored thriller series.

Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suits

A Novel

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Author: David Wong

Publisher: Macmillan

ISBN: 1250040191

Category: Fiction

Page: 384

View: 3661

New York Times bestselling author David Wong takes readers to a whole new level with his latest darkly comic sci-fi thriller.

Mogworld

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Author: Yahtzee Croshaw

Publisher: Dark Horse Comics

ISBN: 1506706428

Category: Fiction

Page: 416

View: 740

In a world full to bursting with would-be heroes, Jim couldn't be less interested in saving the day. His fireballs fizzle. He's awfully grumpy. Plus, he's been dead for about sixty years. When a renegade necromancer wrenches him from eternal slumber and into a world gone terribly, bizarrely wrong, all Jim wants is to find a way to die properly, once and for all. On his side, he's got a few shambling corpses, an inept thief, and a powerful death wish. But he's up against tough odds: angry mobs of adventurers, a body falling apart at the seams — and a team of programmers racing a deadline to hammer out the last few bugs in their AI. *Mogworld is the debut novel from video-game icon Yahtzee Croshaw (Zero Punctuation)! With an exclusive one-chapter preview of Yahtzee Croshaw's next novel, Jam—coming to bookstores in October 2012! *Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw's video review site, Zero Punctuation, receives over 2,500,000 unique hits a month, and has been licensed by G4 Television. *Yahtzee's blog receives about 150,000 hits per day. "The first legitimate breakout hit from the gaming community in recent memory." -Boing Boing

The Unnoticeables

A Novel

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Author: Robert Brockway

Publisher: Tor Books

ISBN: 1466869305

Category: Fiction

Page: 288

View: 2500

From Robert Brockway, Sr. Editor and Columnist of Cracked.com comes The Unnoticeables, a funny and frightening urban fantasy. There are angels, and they are not beneficent or loving. But they do watch over us. They watch our lives unfold, analyzing us for repeating patterns and redundancies. When they find them, the angels simplify those patterns and remove the redundancies, and the problem that is "you" gets solved. Carey doesn't much like that idea. As a punk living in New York City, 1977, Carey is sick and tired of watching strange kids with unnoticeable faces abduct his friends. He doesn't care about the rumors of tar-monsters in the sewers or unkillable psychopaths invading the punk scene—all he wants is to drink cheap beer and dispense ass-kickings. Kaitlyn isn't sure what she's doing with her life. She came to Hollywood in 2013 to be a stunt woman, but last night a former teen heartthrob tried to eat her, her best friend has just gone missing, and there's an angel outside her apartment. Whatever she plans on doing with her life, it should probably happen in the few remaining minutes she has left. There are angels. There are demons. They are the same thing. It's up to Carey and Kaitlyn to stop them. The survival of the human race is in their hands. We are, all of us, well and truly screwed. At the Publisher's request, this title is being sold without Digital Rights Management Software (DRM) applied.

Jam

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Author: Yahtzee Croshaw

Publisher: Dark Horse Comics

ISBN: 150670641X

Category: Fiction

Page: 288

View: 1434

We were prepared for an earthquake. We had a flood plan in place. We could even have dealt with zombies. Probably. But no one expected the end to be quite so... sticky... or strawberry scented. Yahtzee Croshaw (Mogworld, Zero Punctuation Reviews) returns to print with a follow-up to his smash-hit debut: Jam, a dark comedy about the one apocalypse no one predicted. * The hilarious new novel by the author of Mogworld! * Croshaw's Zero Punctuation Reviews is the most viewed video game review on the web! * For lovers of bizarre horror and unforgettable characters! "[Croshaw is] able to pull off slapstick comedy in print, and that's no easy feat." –ComicsAlliance

How to Fight Presidents

Defending Yourself Against the Badasses Who Ran This Country

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Author: Daniel O'Brien

Publisher: Three Rivers Press (CA)

ISBN: 038534757X

Category: Biography & Autobiography

Page: 254

View: 4900

Based on in-depth research and accompanied by informative illustrations, this hilarious history book collects the most wildest, manliest, interesting and badass facts about every U.S. president. Original. 25,000 first printing.

Cyclops Road

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Author: Jeff Strand

Publisher: Createspace Independent Publishing Platform

ISBN: 9781539351696

Category:

Page: 358

View: 1258

Evan Portin is at a sad, scary place in his life. While taking a long walk to compose himself and figure out where to go from here, he encounters a young woman being mugged in a park. When he tries to intervene, he discovers that she doesn't need his help. At all. Her name is Harriett. She is very, very good at defending herself. Everything she owns is in a large backpack. She's never seen a cell phone. She's never been in a car. She's never really ventured into the outside world. And she says she's traveling across the country to slay a Cyclops. She's crazy, right? Evan is not in the habit of hanging out with delusional women he's just met. On the other hand, it can't hurt to offer her a ride out of town. And maybe this insane journey is exactly what he needs... A brand new novel from the four-time Bram Stoker Award-nominated author of BLISTER, DWELLER, and WOLF HUNT. "Jeff Strand is a masterful storyteller. His writing is always fresh, compelling, funny, frightening, and inventive." -Jonathan Maberry, New York Times best-selling author of Patient Zero, Rot & Ruin and Mars One.

Gil's All Fright Diner

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Author: A. Lee Martinez

Publisher: Macmillan

ISBN: 1429913622

Category: Fiction

Page: 272

View: 1043

Bloodier than Fried Green Tomatoes! Funnier than The Texas Chainsaw Massacre! Welcome to Gil's All Night Diner, where zombie attacks are a regular occurrence and you never know what might be lurking in the freezer . . . Duke and Earl are just passing through Rockwood county in their pick-up truck when they stop at the Diner for a quick bite to eat. They aren't planning to stick around-until Loretta, the eatery's owner, offers them $100 to take care of her zombie problem. Given that Duke is a werewolf and Earl's a vampire, this looks right up their alley. But the shambling dead are just the tip of a particularly spiky iceberg. Seems someone's out to drive Loretta from the Diner, and more than willing to raise a little Hell on Earth if that's what it takes. Before Duke and Earl get to the bottom of the Diner's troubles, they'll run into such otherworldly complications as undead cattle, an amorous ghost, a jailbait sorceress, and the terrifying occult power of pig-latin. And maybe--just maybe--the End of the World, too. Gory, sexy, and flat-out hilarious, Gil's All Fright Diner will tickle your funnybone--before ripping it out of its socket! At the Publisher's request, this title is being sold without Digital Rights Management Software (DRM) applied.

Apathy and Other Small Victories

A Novel

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Author: Paul Neilan

Publisher: St. Martin's Press

ISBN: 1429907347

Category: Fiction

Page: 240

View: 5180

A scathingly funny debut novel about disillusionment, indifference, and one man's desperate fight to assign absolutely no meaning to modern life. The only thing Shane cares about is leaving. Usually on a Greyhound bus, right before his life falls apart again. Just like he planned. But this time it's complicated: there's a sadistic corporate climber who thinks she's his girlfriend, a rent-subsidized affair with his landlord's wife, and the bizarrely appealing deaf assistant to Shane's cosmically unstable dentist. When one of the women is murdered, and Shane is the only suspect who doesn't care enough to act like he didn't do it, the question becomes just how he'll clear the good name he never had and doesn't particularly want: his own. “The malaise of cubicle culture may be well-trodden comedic territory by now, but Neilan's debut skewers office life with a flourish for the grotesque.” —The Village Voice

City of Fae

A London Fae Novel

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Author: Pippa DaCosta

Publisher: Bloomsbury Publishing

ISBN: 1408868725

Category: Fiction

Page: 336

View: 1025

Look, but don't touch. Touch, but don't feel. Feel, but never ever love. From the moment Alina touches London's hottest fae superstar, breaking one of the laws founded to protect all of her kind, her fate – and the fae – close in. Below ground, the fae High Queen plots to claim the city as her own and places her pawns, ready for the battle to come. A battle she cannot lose, but for one small problem – Alina. There are four ancient keepers powerful enough to keep the queen in her prison. Three are dead. One remains ... And to fight back, Alina risks sacrificing everything she has come to love. This New Adult urban fantasy is packed with action and suspense and will have you yearning for more forbidden fae romance.

Seeing Evil

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Author: Jason Parent

Publisher: Red Adept Publishing, LLC

ISBN: N.A

Category: Fiction

Page: 232

View: 7203

Fate in plain sight. Major Crimes Detective Samantha Reilly prefers to work alone—she’s seen as a maverick, and she still struggles privately with the death of her partner. The only person who ever sees her softer side is Michael Turcotte, a teenager she’s known since she rescued him eleven years ago from the aftermath of his parents’ murder-suicide. In foster care since his parents’ death, Michael is a loner who tries to fly under the bullies’ radar, but a violent assault triggers a disturbing ability to view people’s dark futures. No one believes his first vision means anything, though—not even Sam Reilly. When reality mimics his prediction, however, Sam isn’t the only one to take notice. A strange girl named Tessa Masterson asks Michael about her future, and what he sees sends him back to Sam—is Tessa victim or perpetrator? Tessa’s tangled secrets draw Michael and Sam inexorably into a deadly conflict. Sam relies on Michael, but his only advantage is the visions he never asked for. As they track a cold and calculating killer, one misstep could turn the hunters into prey.

What If?

Serious Scientific Answers to Absurd Hypothetical Questions

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Author: Randall Munroe

Publisher: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt

ISBN: 0544272994

Category: Humor

Page: 320

View: 4401

The creator of the incredibly popular webcomic xkcd presents his heavily researched answers to his fans' oddest questions, including “What if I took a swim in a spent-nuclear-fuel pool?” and “Could you build a jetpack using downward-firing machine guns?” 100,000 first printing.

Healer's Touch

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Author: Deb E Howell

Publisher: Grimbold Books, Kristell Ink

ISBN: 190984506X

Category: Fiction

Page: 366

View: 2171

For Llew to heal, something must die. Llew, a young pickpocket who lives as a boy on the streets of a wild-west mining town, finds her real problems begin when she survives the gallows. Forced to run, she persuades a group of fighters escorting a young girl to her wedding to let her travel with them across the badlands. On the journey Llew faces hostile tribesmen, desperate bandits and, the enmity of her own companions should they find out who and what she is: a girl, a fugitive, and a feared Healer. One of the fighters, Jonas, possesses superhuman prowess as a warrior, and carries the knife able to 'kill the unkillable'; the knife that can kill Llew. Despite being of races at war for centuries, they are drawn to one another. During the journey, they encounter Braph the magician, Jonas' half-brother and potential nemesis. He pursues them as they journey across the sea to the continent of Phyos and at the moment Llew finally feels safe, he abducts her. He begins to take what is most precious to him: her blood.

The Creepypasta Collection

Modern Urban Legends You Can't Unread

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Author: MrCreepyPasta

Publisher: Simon and Schuster

ISBN: 144059791X

Category: Fiction

Page: 304

View: 1699

"If you place this book back on the shelf now, you'll save yourself!" --Mr Creepypasta There are stories that scare you. And then there are the dark and disturbing creepypasta stories that will leave you seriously freaked out. The Creepypasta Collection is an unsettling anthology of terror, full of nightmares and dangerous creatures--from unearthly supernatural beings to the murderously disturbed. So, lock the doors, check under the bed, turn up the lights, and get ready for an unforgettable, up-all-night journey into the heart of darkness.

Demonkeeper

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Author: Royce Buckingham

Publisher: Penguin

ISBN: 9780142411667

Category: Juvenile Fiction

Page: 216

View: 792

When Nat, the weirdest boy in Seattle, leaves for a date with the plainest girl in town, chaos breaks out in the houseful of demons of which he is the sole guardian.

Noir

A Novel

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Author: Christopher Moore

Publisher: HarperCollins

ISBN: 0062434004

Category: Fiction

Page: 352

View: 7491

INSTANT NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER! The absurdly outrageous, sarcastically satiric, and always entertaining New York Times bestselling author Christopher Moore returns in finest madcap form with this zany noir set on the mean streets of post-World War II San Francisco, and featuring a diverse cast of characters, including a hapless bartender; his Chinese sidekick; a doll with sharp angles and dangerous curves; a tight-lipped Air Force general; a wisecracking waif; Petey, a black mamba; and many more. San Francisco. Summer, 1947. A dame walks into a saloon . . . It’s not every afternoon that an enigmatic, comely blonde named Stilton (like the cheese) walks into the scruffy gin joint where Sammy "Two Toes" Tiffin tends bar. It’s love at first sight, but before Sammy can make his move, an Air Force general named Remy arrives with some urgent business. ’Cause when you need something done, Sammy is the guy to go to; he’s got the connections on the street. Meanwhile, a suspicious flying object has been spotted up the Pacific coast in Washington State near Mount Rainer, followed by a mysterious plane crash in a distant patch of desert in New Mexico that goes by the name Roswell. But the real weirdness is happening on the streets of the City by the Bay. When one of Sammy’s schemes goes south and the Cheese mysteriously vanishes, Sammy is forced to contend with his own dark secrets—and more than a few strange goings on—if he wants to find his girl. Think Raymond Chandler meets Damon Runyon with more than a dash of Bugs Bunny and the Looney Tunes All Stars. It’s all very, very Noir. It’s all very, very Christopher Moore.

Vampire Zero

A Gruesome Vampire Tale

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Author: David Wellington

Publisher: Broadway Books

ISBN: 0307450198

Category: Fiction

Page: 336

View: 6538

One man stood between them and us. U.S. Marshal Jameson Arkeley—the country’s foremost authority on vampires—taught police investigator and vampire fighter Laura Caxton everything she knows about monsters. After a bloody war visited upon Gettysburg by an army of vampires, Arkeley gave up his own life to save others. Except he didn’t exactly die . . . Arkeley accepted the curse and is now a vampire himself. What’s worse, he’s the savviest vampire ever—he knows all the tricks better than anyone. Caxton is now faced with the task of destroying him. But Arkeley knows all her tactics too; after all, he taught them to her. Caxton realizes she must finish Arkeley before he succeeds in his quest to exterminate his own family, one member at a time. But even more important, she has to prevent him from becoming a beast exponentially more dangerous—a Vampire Zero. The author of 13 Bullets and 99 Coffins, David Wellington takes the Laura Caxton series to a whole new level in this action-packed third volume. From the Trade Paperback edition.

Furiously Happy

A Funny Book About Horrible Things

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Author: Jenny Lawson

Publisher: Flatiron Books

ISBN: 125007701X

Category: Biography & Autobiography

Page: 352

View: 5911

In Furiously Happy, #1 New York Times bestselling author Jenny Lawson explores her lifelong battle with mental illness. A hysterical, ridiculous book about crippling depression and anxiety? That sounds like a terrible idea. But terrible ideas are what Jenny does best. As Jenny says: "Some people might think that being 'furiously happy' is just an excuse to be stupid and irresponsible and invite a herd of kangaroos over to your house without telling your husband first because you suspect he would say no since he's never particularly liked kangaroos. And that would be ridiculous because no one would invite a herd of kangaroos into their house. Two is the limit. I speak from personal experience. My husband says that none is the new limit. I say he should have been clearer about that before I rented all those kangaroos. "Most of my favorite people are dangerously fucked-up but you'd never guess because we've learned to bare it so honestly that it becomes the new normal. Like John Hughes wrote in The Breakfast Club, 'We're all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it.' Except go back and cross out the word 'hiding.'" Furiously Happy is about "taking those moments when things are fine and making them amazing, because those moments are what make us who we are, and they're the same moments we take into battle with us when our brains declare war on our very existence. It's the difference between "surviving life" and "living life". It's the difference between "taking a shower" and "teaching your monkey butler how to shampoo your hair." It's the difference between being "sane" and being "furiously happy." Lawson is beloved around the world for her inimitable humor and honesty, and in Furiously Happy, she is at her snort-inducing funniest. This is a book about embracing everything that makes us who we are - the beautiful and the flawed - and then using it to find joy in fantastic and outrageous ways. Because as Jenny's mom says, "Maybe 'crazy' isn't so bad after all." Sometimes crazy is just right.